-You guys, Chadwick Boseman
is my guest tonight! [ Cheers and applause ]
-Oh! -Chadwick has been super-busy. He’s promoting his new movie and
he’s been getting texts all day from Trump about
fleeing to Wakanda. -Oh. -Well, today was Day 3 of
the impeachment hearings, which means it was also the
third day of Americans turning on the TV to watch
“Ellen” and then screaming, “You got to be kidding me! Come on!” That’s right — it was Day 3
of the impeachment hearings, and it was once again
on every channel. On the bright side,
after three days, the impeachment is already one
of the longer-running shows on network television,
so that’s a good thing. Three witnesses testified
last week, four witnesses testified today, and another five are
scheduled for later this week. So good news — they’re just a
few more people away from an all-witness version
of “Guess Who?” “Is your guy a decorated member
of the Army?” Yeah, it was a busy day today. Check out what I saw on C-SPAN
before things got started. -Coming up on C-SPAN at
9:00 a.m., Lieutenant Colonel
Alexander Vindman and Jennifer Williams arrive
to testify. At 9:05, Adam Schiff shouts,
“Let’s F’ing do this” and throws chalk into the air
like LeBron James. At 9:30, Jim Jordan tries
to distract everyone by lighting his blazer on fire. And, finally, at 10:45,
President Trump bursts into the hearing like the Kool-Aid Man
and shouts, “Oh, no!” -Yeah. Very interesting, right?
-Wow! -Four U.S. officials testified during today’s
impeachment hearings. But, first, they had to
swear under oath. And I think they seemed
to be asked a few more questions than usual. Take a look. -Do you swear that the testimony
you’re about to give is the truth, the whole truth,
and nothing but the truth? -I do.
-I do. -Do you often text your friends
“almost there” when you know you’re still
10 minutes away? -I do.
-I do. -Do you think Drake is the Thingamajig on
“The Masked Singer”? -I do.
-I do, as well. -Do you affirm that you
took a DNA test and that you are, in fact,
100% that bitch? -I do.
-I do. -Do you think Baby Yoda
is cute A.F.? -I do.
-I do, as well. -They think he’s cute A.F.
-A.F., man. -But the biggest name that
testified today was Lieutenant Colonel
Alexander Vindman. At one point, Vindman was asked
if he remembered taking a photo of former National Security Advisor
John Bolton with Ukrainian officials outside
The White House. This is the photo. Vindman was like, “Yes, that was
taken the day John Bolton auditioned to be the next
KFC Colonel.” -Oh. -But things got a little tense
during the hearings when Nunes incorrectly addressed
Lieutenant Colonel Vindman. -Mr. Vindman, you testified,
in your deposition, that you did not know
the whistleblower. -Ranking member. It’s Lieutenant Colonel Vindman,
please. -Yeah. Then Adam Schiff
was like, “Let the record show that
we just had a mic-drop, y’all.” Luckily, during the testimony,
there was a lighter moment when Vindman joked that he
speaks Russian, Ukrainian, and a little bit of English. Then Trump was like,
“OMG, me too.” Yeah, it was a very interesting
day on Capitol Hill, which brings us
to a new segment, “Impeachment Hearings
are Better out of Context.” Watch.
♪♪ -Do it. Do it hard.
Do it dirty. ♪♪ -Wow!
[ Applause ] Wow! -Of course, the other
big political story is that the hashtag “fartgate”
was trending yesterday, after people thought
Representative Eric Swalwell may have passed gas on live TV. Take a look at this. -The president used
taxpayer dollars to ask the Ukrainians to help
him cheat an election. -I guess we finally know who
the whistleblower is. It’s pretty crazy, but — Actually, to be honest,
because it actually happens a lot on a lot of shows, and you probably just
haven’t noticed it. -Really?
-Check it out. -♪ ‘Cause it wasn’t yours ♪ [ Fart ] -I understand you folks
have some concerns about our products, but I don’t
have time right now to… [ Fart ]
…talk to you about it. -No, no, no. [ Fart ] It’s unbelievable.
-Wow! The force is strong in that one.
-What did you say? -The force is strong
in that one. -Yeah. This isn’t good. It came out today that
hackers have stolen thousands of Disney+
customers’ information. I don’t know what’s worse, that
hackers have my account info or they know I watched
“Beverly Hills Chihuahua” three times on Monday. Meanwhile, Macy’s announced
that customers who shopped on
their website last month may have had their
credit-card information stolen. Right now, JCPenney is like,
“Ha ha! That’s what you get for having a
website and customers.” Check this out. I saw that, in China, you may
soon be able to pay for items by just having your
face scanned. Yeah, but it’s going to be a
bummer when people hear, “Sorry, but your face
has been declined.” Here’s some bittersweet news. I saw that the U.S.-born
panda Bei Bei is leaving its home in Washington D.C.
and heading to China. Yeah, it’s sad to see him go,
but he’ll be in good hands, and he’ll be reunited
with his siblings. You might be disappointed,
but I think I know who can fill the void of Bei Bei
here in the U.S. [ Cheers and applause ]
♪♪ Yes! Hashtag!
Hashtag the Panda. Hashtag, are you sad that your
friend Bei Bei is leaving? Aww. I think he has
a TV where he is. Do you want to cheer him
up by dancing? Alright. You know what
you have to do. Roots, hit it! ♪♪
[ Cheers and applause ] Ah, wow. Amazing.
[ Cheers and applause ] So much energy into that dance.
Hashtag does such a great job. Is he out there still?
Is he still there? ♪♪ ♪♪ -Oh. [ Fart ] Was he flossing? ♪♪
No, no. [ Fart ] What’s going on?
-Oh, my God. -That would be so mean to make
him do it one more time. -It would be.
It would be very, very mean. ♪♪ -Alright. Alright, there you go.
There you go. That’s it. [ Fart ]
There you go. This is crazy. This is a crazy story, guys. Two raccoons fell through a
ceiling of a CVS store here in New York and started
wandering the aisles. Luckily, the store manager
was able to lasso them with a long receipt. And, finally,
this is going viral. South Dakota just rolled out a
new anti-meth campaign, but the ads
are getting attention for the way they’re worded. Check this out.
“Meth — I’m on it.” I think that rancher is on meth, because he’s actually
25 years old.
Who dont like trump leaves a like
Love u gallon
We want Cole sprouse
2020
Biggest Likeeeeeee 👍👍👍👍 Awesome 👌 keep it up Always 👍… Please help me to reach 10m #Subscribers …. – #YashDalviSinger
I smell something …
who farted?
😄😄😄
* Almost 4 million jobs created since election.
* More Americans are now employed than ever recorded before in our history.
* We have created more than 400,000 manufacturing jobs since my election.
* Manufacturing jobs growing at the fastest rate in more than THREE DECADES.
* Economic growth last quarter hit 4.2 percent.
* New unemployment claims recently hit a 49-year low.
* Median household income has hit highest level ever recorded.
* African-American unemployment has recently achieved the lowest rate ever recorded.
* Hispanic-American unemployment is at the lowest rate ever recorded.
* Asian-American unemployment recently achieved the lowest rate ever recorded.
* Women’s unemployment recently reached the lowest rate in 65 years.
* Youth unemployment has recently hit the lowest rate in nearly half a century.
* Lowest unemployment rate ever recorded for Americans without a high school diploma.
* Under my Administration, veterans’ unemployment recently reached its lowest rate in nearly 20 years.
* Almost 3.9 million Americans have been lifted off food stamps since the election.
* The Pledge to America’s Workers has resulted in employers committing to train more than 4 million Americans. We are committed to VOCATIONAL education.
* 95 percent of U.S. manufacturers are optimistic about the future—the highest ever.
* Retail sales surged last month, up another 6 percent over last year.
* Signed the biggest package of tax cuts and reforms in history. After tax cuts, over $300 billion poured back in to the U.S. in the first quarter alone.
* As a result of our tax bill, small businesses will have the lowest top marginal tax rate in more than 80 years.
* Helped win U.S. bid for the 2028 Summer Olympics in Los Angeles.
* Helped win U.S.-Mexico-Canada’s united bid for 2026 World Cup.
* Opened ANWR and approved Keystone XL and Dakota Access Pipelines.
* Record number of regulations eliminated.
* Enacted regulatory relief for community banks and credit unions.
* Obamacare individual mandate penalty GONE.
* My Administration is providing more affordable healthcare options for Americans through association health plans and short-term duration plans.
* Last month, the FDA approved more affordable generic drugs than ever before in history. And thanks to our efforts, many drug companies are freezing or reversing planned price increases.
* We reformed the Medicare program to stop hospitals from overcharging low-income seniors on their drugs—saving seniors hundreds of millions of dollars this year alone.
* Signed Right-To-Try legislation.
* Secured $6 billion in NEW funding to fight the opioid epidemic.
* We have reduced high-dose opioid prescriptions by 16 percent during my first year in office.
* Signed VA Choice Act and VA Accountability Act, expanded VA telehealth services, walk-in-clinics, and same-day urgent primary and mental health care.
* Increased our coal exports by 60 percent; U.S. oil production recently reached all-time high.
* United States is a net natural gas exporter for the first time since 1957.
* Withdrew the United States from the job-killing Paris Climate Accord.
* Cancelled the illegal, anti-coal, so-called Clean Power Plan.
* Secured record $700 billion in military funding; $716 billion next year.
* NATO allies are spending $69 billion more on defense since 2016.
* Process has begun to make the Space Force the 6th branch of the Armed Forces.
* Confirmed more circuit court judges than any other new administration.
* Confirmed Supreme Court Justice Neil Gorsuch and nominated Judge Brett Kavanaugh.
* Withdrew from the horrible, one-sided Iran Deal.
* Moved U.S. Embassy to Jerusalem.
* Protecting Americans from terrorists with the Travel Ban, upheld by Supreme Court.
* Issued Executive Order to keep open Guantanamo Bay.
* Concluded a historic U.S.-Mexico Trade Deal to replace NAFTA. And negotiations with Canada are underway as we speak.
* Reached a breakthrough agreement with the E.U. to increase U.S. exports.
* Imposed tariffs on foreign steel and aluminum to protect our national security.
* Imposed tariffs on China in response to China’s forced technology transfer, intellectual property theft, and their chronically abusive trade practices.
* Net exports are on track to increase by $59 billion this year.
* Improved vetting and screening for refugees, and switched focus to overseas resettlement.
* We have begun BUILDING THE WALL. Republicans want STRONG BORDERS and NO CRIME. Democrats want OPEN BORDERS which equals MASSIVE CRIME.
The Kool-Aid man isn't that brightly colored. Shape is right, though.
"Mmm… sharted, I have…"
😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
"Sorry, your face has been declined."
I already hear that…
* sigh *
Vote blue 2020!
How can people hate on Jimmy his so funny and talented he does accents like the Sandman aka Adam why? Love you Jimmy Fallon! ♥️
The disgrace and shame brought to all future GOP members by the current morally corrupt Republicans, by defending a criminal President, can never be lived down. How can these people look at their children in the eyes and not flinch away in shame??
usa is amidst its first Cold Civil War: Special interests against equal rights and womens rights, Republicans against dissenting opinion, and The South has shown its face amongst the Alt right Nazi Klan revenants to attack Democracy. Matriarchy can resolve these man child militants.
This one made me cry I laughed so hard!
Tweeted
@FallonTonight #TopNews China declines face for credit; Hashtag # makes surprise appearance dancing https://youtu.be/-F5-AR8NAkA
Laughed my ass off at farting sequence😆
Wow some fart jokes – really strong stuff
Thank You Jimmy and God bless MOM.
This is better. Don’t preach. Just joke.
Dems believe they’re winning, reps believe they’re winning. I’m Aussie so I don’t overly care. But I like jimmys humour
not funny scumbag'
Trump money
Democrats should love trump,he is destroying the Republican party
love watching twatwaffle trumpers whining, crying and whimpering….i would say "like dogs", but dogs are awesome, faithful loving and some have a pair…….😂😂😂😂
Is he supposed to be funny?
Oh no, don't give Fred such a deadly weapon! 😀
It's really disappointing how you have confirmed to smear media and put out nothing but what one side what's to hear
Some day you will tell your gramdkids; " I watched it when Amarica had a dictator wanna be in office but the country vomited him up!
It baffles me that Fallon is so popular in the US. I’m sure he’d be a lovely guy in person but otherwise, meh.
China owns all pandas all the ones you see here are on lease to the us
Whilst a little long, this is one of Jimmy's funnier monologues. He's capable of being funny, so long as he doesn't feel the need to tell us he's funny.
Must have been too late to get the "Judy" for Rudy slip up. Would have loved to see Mr Guiliani in pig tails and ruby slippers.
you albert eistein.
Being funny doesn't give you a pass from being against due process of law and for a communist hearing where only one person dictates who dictates only his side can be heard and the other side isn't allowed to even know who is the person making false allegations against the President. Can't know who that weasel is, can't cross examine the weasel, can't even know if the weasel even exist or if the felon dictator Adam shitty Schiff making that person up. Adam Shit has already been BUSTED lying 5 TIMES straight up. But this communist piece of shit shitty Schiff will end up in prison in front of a firing squad when it's over. Anything else is not acceptable to the citizens of the 🇺🇸🇺🇸UNITED STATES OF AMERICA.🇺🇸🇺🇸
The rats are drowning themselves.
Waste of damn money! Politicians need to get back to damn work!
Really, that happened with Swalwell? Then you see him pursing his lips in a smiling embarassment. Schiff and Nunes would just have Wide, wide Eyes. What could you do? Just 'Fan' it away?
The panda thing is played out
"The force is strong in that one," LOL.
The panda kinda scared me. I was not expecting to see a furry dancing on Jimmy Fallon, I at least needed a trigger warning.
It doesn't help that I just smoked marinara.
Cowman Nunes on the Intelligence committee is a Joke along with constipated face Gym Jordan.
At least Jimmy isn't a one sided pathetic hate monger like Stephan Colbert
"Do it hard, Do it dirty".
Trump : congressman reminds me of Stormy Daniel.
you need some new joke writer's mang ..this is sad and low energy ..i didnt laugh once ..wake up mang
It’s sad that comedy shows are so many people’s source of news. “Oh, jimmy said that Trump is worried about the impeachment? Yeah, he MUST be guilty!”
Fake humor. Not funny anymore we have wasted time and money watching the politics.
Not baby Yoda but Yodoodle
Haha he does look like the kool-aid man. That was funny even as a Republican
JOE BIDEN is on tape doing exactly what they are accusing Trump of and the liberal media doesn’t care you guys are a bunch of losers!
Fucking idiotic show. I unsubscribed.
PUT ALL POLITICIANS IN JAIL!
I'm the whistleblower!
Panda farts made me laugh. I might be having a stroke.
Unique and funny, bold millionaire speaking for the poor. Hero.
You can tell when a show is falling apart when they resort to fart jokes to be funny.
Biden did a quid pro quo. Did not get in trouble. Trump did not order a quid pro quo. They’re trying to impeach him. Guess what? If the democrats are successful in their smear campaign we will go through every fucking democrat office and turn them inside out.
This show is stupid, like actually is
Let Hunter Biden testify.
Why didn't you show Nunes ripping into the witness's?!… just give up you lost 2020!
I’ve listened to the testimony. What I hear are people who have spent many years up to their necks in government work who dislike someone coming in and shaking up their norm. One man was angry because he wasn’t taken seriously enough. He armed the whistleblower. I could do without those types working for me. Nothing more than an HR sobfest.
And while this inquiry is taking place trump signed and executive order to increase transparency in healthcare costs…no on wants to talk about that?
Its whatever .
This shit doesnt phaze me like it used to
Just keeping quiet so he dont go psycho as usual
I think its trending
Atleast i wasnt live on tv
You guys .
Lmaoooo well its the cia as usual
Is that supposed to be a subliminal
Im sure they are going to eat the panda
I give up theres no point .
Nice grabbing of clips
Im glad my stress is your enjoyment
Maybe he is
By the way im totally sick of the exit song
Sea-biscuit is funnier than hashtag the panda
Jimmy Fallon, dancing and farting while the world burns. Just jump on the GOP bandwagon, playing the middle just makes you looked down on by both sides. Here's a free joke… "Nothing to lose" Nunes won his seat by a few thousand votes, apparently he thinks he can gain some votes by attacking purple heart recipient Lt. Col. Vindman. But what happens when he calls him Mister Vindman? Roll video. Insert joke.
"who the whistle-blower is"
Mocking our American system and reviling our elected President is a tactical error by JF. His ratings are dropping like the Democrats voter rolls.
How many witch hunts are needed before Schiff and Pelosi are outed as the real treasonous snakes in Washington?
wow, these jokes are stale…….our collective minds are slowly being insulted with such jokes….
Do it Hard! Do it Dirty! Do it Rough! And then… Call Me Pretty! 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
Jimmy looks like trying to get through his Trump monologue is the equivalent to giving birth through his penis! 😂😂😂😂
And that Bandit was making me laugh so hard I was tearing up already😁🤣😂
Dang Hashtag started getting tired and then got a muscle cramp in his thigh lol 🤣🤣🤣 guess he did warm up or stretch
sorry to tell you we can actually pay things by face 6 months ago in China.
And I've been declined…
Frank like 11
If they just labled that the cowboy is in his mid 20s, then the ad might actually work.
road to transalpine
As a college student born and raised, and still live in South Dakota, we are definietly not on meth.
But I guess it's a problem…
so WE'RE ON IT!! ??
That face-scanning is NOT cool.
They use it for Social Scores. Look it up.
Still think Hashtag is a great addition to lighten the mood! Always fun seein' the rotating people in Hashtag dance.
I will never understand the fart jokes of Americans. It’s so not funny to me
Let’s be clear what this is all about: this the second installment of liberal, pro-Dem bureaucrats and their collaborators in the House trying to unseat Trump. In the first attempt, it was done by bad actors in the FBI and DOJ (see Comey, McCabe, Strzok, Page, Ohr, et.al.) and now it’s unelected bureaucrats from the CIA and State. Here we go again. The Deep State actors failed in the first round and, once again, are attempting to overturn the 2016 election.
Love some transcomedy when you mutilate half your ratings great business model
Be a Bitch and uphold that standard LOL Supports do it hard and do it dirty,,,Who FARTED? woop woop
Recent house 'impeachment' hoax testimony has demonstrated beyond any shadow of doubt the 'phantom whistleblower' is a figment of imagination – which means a lie. On a tangible level the 'phantom whistleblower' is a C_A transformation of a covert operation. A [DS] operation designed to smear the President of which all the demonicratic operatives on this Congressional Stage are directly complicit. How stupid do these psycho-politicians consider American Citizens to be? What we are witnessing is utter contempt for everything Patriotic Americans stand for.
Sondland was clear: "I've never heard from Trump that the aid (to
Ukraine) was conditioned on the investigations."So what did Trump say?
Sondland, said: "I want nothing. I want no quid pro quo."
Sondland was clear: "I've never heard from Trump that the aid (to
Ukraine) was conditioned on the investigations."So what did Trump say?
Sondland, said: "I want nothing. I want no quid pro quo."
Sondland was clear: "I've never heard from Trump that the aid (to
Ukraine) was conditioned on the investigations."So what did Trump say?
Sondland, said: "I want nothing. I want no quid pro quo."
Sondland was clear: "I've never heard from Trump that the aid (to
Ukraine) was conditioned on the investigations."So what did Trump say?
Sondland, said: "I want nothing. I want no quid pro quo."