-You guys, Chadwick Boseman
is my guest tonight! [ Cheers and applause ]
-Oh! -Chadwick has been super-busy. He’s promoting his new movie and
he’s been getting texts all day from Trump about
fleeing to Wakanda. -Oh. -Well, today was Day 3 of
the impeachment hearings, which means it was also the
third day of Americans turning on the TV to watch
“Ellen” and then screaming, “You got to be kidding me! Come on!” That’s right — it was Day 3
of the impeachment hearings, and it was once again
on every channel. On the bright side,
after three days, the impeachment is already one
of the longer-running shows on network television,
so that’s a good thing. Three witnesses testified
last week, four witnesses testified today, and another five are
scheduled for later this week. So good news — they’re just a
few more people away from an all-witness version
of “Guess Who?” “Is your guy a decorated member
of the Army?” Yeah, it was a busy day today. Check out what I saw on C-SPAN
before things got started. -Coming up on C-SPAN at
9:00 a.m., Lieutenant Colonel
Alexander Vindman and Jennifer Williams arrive
to testify. At 9:05, Adam Schiff shouts,
“Let’s F’ing do this” and throws chalk into the air
like LeBron James. At 9:30, Jim Jordan tries
to distract everyone by lighting his blazer on fire. And, finally, at 10:45,
President Trump bursts into the hearing like the Kool-Aid Man
and shouts, “Oh, no!” -Yeah. Very interesting, right?
-Wow! -Four U.S. officials testified during today’s
impeachment hearings. But, first, they had to
swear under oath. And I think they seemed
to be asked a few more questions than usual. Take a look. -Do you swear that the testimony
you’re about to give is the truth, the whole truth,
and nothing but the truth? -I do.
-I do. -Do you often text your friends
“almost there” when you know you’re still
10 minutes away? -I do.
-I do. -Do you think Drake is the Thingamajig on
“The Masked Singer”? -I do.
-I do, as well. -Do you affirm that you
took a DNA test and that you are, in fact,
100% that bitch? -I do.
-I do. -Do you think Baby Yoda
is cute A.F.? -I do.
-I do, as well. -They think he’s cute A.F.
-A.F., man. -But the biggest name that
testified today was Lieutenant Colonel
Alexander Vindman. At one point, Vindman was asked
if he remembered taking a photo of former National Security Advisor
John Bolton with Ukrainian officials outside
The White House. This is the photo. Vindman was like, “Yes, that was
taken the day John Bolton auditioned to be the next
KFC Colonel.” -Oh. -But things got a little tense
during the hearings when Nunes incorrectly addressed
Lieutenant Colonel Vindman. -Mr. Vindman, you testified,
in your deposition, that you did not know
the whistleblower. -Ranking member. It’s Lieutenant Colonel Vindman,
please. -Yeah. Then Adam Schiff
was like, “Let the record show that
we just had a mic-drop, y’all.” Luckily, during the testimony,
there was a lighter moment when Vindman joked that he
speaks Russian, Ukrainian, and a little bit of English. Then Trump was like,
“OMG, me too.” Yeah, it was a very interesting
day on Capitol Hill, which brings us
to a new segment, “Impeachment Hearings
are Better out of Context.” Watch.
♪♪ -Do it. Do it hard.
Do it dirty. ♪♪ -Wow!
[ Applause ] Wow! -Of course, the other
big political story is that the hashtag “fartgate”
was trending yesterday, after people thought
Representative Eric Swalwell may have passed gas on live TV. Take a look at this. -The president used
taxpayer dollars to ask the Ukrainians to help
him cheat an election. -I guess we finally know who
the whistleblower is. It’s pretty crazy, but — Actually, to be honest,
because it actually happens a lot on a lot of shows, and you probably just
haven’t noticed it. -Really?
-Check it out. -♪ ‘Cause it wasn’t yours ♪ [ Fart ] -I understand you folks
have some concerns about our products, but I don’t
have time right now to… [ Fart ]
…talk to you about it. -No, no, no. [ Fart ] It’s unbelievable.
-Wow! The force is strong in that one.
-What did you say? -The force is strong
in that one. -Yeah. This isn’t good. It came out today that
hackers have stolen thousands of Disney+
customers’ information. I don’t know what’s worse, that
hackers have my account info or they know I watched
“Beverly Hills Chihuahua” three times on Monday. Meanwhile, Macy’s announced
that customers who shopped on
their website last month may have had their
credit-card information stolen. Right now, JCPenney is like,
“Ha ha! That’s what you get for having a
website and customers.” Check this out. I saw that, in China, you may
soon be able to pay for items by just having your
face scanned. Yeah, but it’s going to be a
bummer when people hear, “Sorry, but your face
has been declined.” Here’s some bittersweet news. I saw that the U.S.-born
panda Bei Bei is leaving its home in Washington D.C.
and heading to China. Yeah, it’s sad to see him go,
but he’ll be in good hands, and he’ll be reunited
with his siblings. You might be disappointed,
but I think I know who can fill the void of Bei Bei
here in the U.S. [ Cheers and applause ]
♪♪ Yes! Hashtag!
Hashtag the Panda. Hashtag, are you sad that your
friend Bei Bei is leaving? Aww. I think he has
a TV where he is. Do you want to cheer him
up by dancing? Alright. You know what
you have to do. Roots, hit it! ♪♪
[ Cheers and applause ] Ah, wow. Amazing.
[ Cheers and applause ] So much energy into that dance.
Hashtag does such a great job. Is he out there still?
Is he still there? ♪♪ ♪♪ -Oh. [ Fart ] Was he flossing? ♪♪
No, no. [ Fart ] What’s going on?
-Oh, my God. -That would be so mean to make
him do it one more time. -It would be.
It would be very, very mean. ♪♪ -Alright. Alright, there you go.
There you go. That’s it. [ Fart ]
There you go. This is crazy. This is a crazy story, guys. Two raccoons fell through a
ceiling of a CVS store here in New York and started
wandering the aisles. Luckily, the store manager
was able to lasso them with a long receipt. And, finally,
this is going viral. South Dakota just rolled out a
new anti-meth campaign, but the ads
are getting attention for the way they’re worded. Check this out.
“Meth — I’m on it.” I think that rancher is on meth, because he’s actually
25 years old.